Why Parenting Sometimes Hurts — and How to Move Forward
Mourning the loss of the child you never had while loving the one you do.
Have you ever felt grief or sadness as a parent, even though the child you love is right in front of you? I have. And if you have too, you’re not alone.
That’s what this week’s Parenting Pivot conversation is about: the confusing, painful, and often unspoken feelings many of us experience when the parenting path turns out to be different than what we expected.
I sat down with Dr. Randy Hirschberg, a psychologist who has worked with countless families navigating these emotions, to talk honestly about the grief, guilt, and hope that come with raising a child whose journey doesn’t match the one we imagined.
Letting Go of the Dream
When parents first realize their child’s path will be different, common responses include panic, denial, and overwhelming grief. Sometimes there’s even guilt — an obsessive search for what we might have done wrong.
As Dr. Hirschberg explained, that search for blame often comes from love and a need for control in a situation that feels completely out of our hands. But there’s also relief for many parents, finally having clarity and a name for what’s going on.
I know this personally. Accepting that the future we’d pictured wasn’t going to happen was heartbreaking. But over time, I began to see the beauty in my child’s unique journey — a life full of hard-won milestones and deep joy.
Ambiguous Loss
One of the most powerful concepts we discussed was ambiguous loss — the grief that comes from losing the dream of who we thought our child would be, while still loving the amazing child right in front of us.
It’s not the same as death or disappearance. It’s the loss of expectations: the schools, sports, friendships, or words (“I love you”) we thought would be part of the story. Learning to grieve those losses while embracing new joys is part of the process.
Moving Beyond the Fix-It Mindset
As a dad, my instinct is to fix things. But I’ve learned that with my child, that doesn’t always work.
Dr. Hirschberg explained how the “fixing” mindset often comes from avoiding grief. It can also send kids the message that they are broken, when in truth, they are simply different. What helps instead is finding neurodiverse-affirming communities, listening to teachers and therapists, and building strategies that support growth without overwhelming expectations.
Finding Hope and Joy
One of the most moving parts of our conversation was hearing stories of parents who, after years of struggle, found unexpected joy. Sometimes it was in a child’s laughter over something small, or the pride in a hard-earned achievement.
These parents often discover a deeper sense of humility, patience, and connection than they ever imagined possible. That doesn’t erase the grief, but it does create a new kind of hope.
A Small First Step
Dr. Hirschberg’s advice for parents just starting this journey? Take one small step today.
Join a support group.
Reach out to a therapist who understands neurodiversity.
Or pick up a book that speaks to your child’s specific needs.
Healing comes through connection. You don’t have to do this alone.
Closing Thoughts
Understanding why we feel these feelings as parents can change everything — the way we see our children and the way we see ourselves.
If you’d like to go deeper into this conversation with Dr. Hirschberg, you can find the full episode here:
We’re building a space where parents don’t have to go through this alone. If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to subscribe and share Parenting Pivot with someone who might need it.
You’re not alone. We’ll meet you there.